Hello world!

This is my first blog (so take this as fair warning, I am somewhat an amateur at this whole “BLOGGING” thing)

I am not sure who will ever read this or what I expect to get out of this site… I’m here because I don’t think my friends on MySpace can keep up (or that any of them care to.) I’ll begin by reposting some of my older blogs from MySpace and then move on to posting new ones. Read & respond [if you so choose.]

I’m not looking to inspire anyone or anything like that- this is just a diary of sorts; I just write to let things out. If you do get something out of anything I have written, please feel free to let me know (whether Good or Bad– I can usually handle a lot of criticism, &  as as “writer” I very much enjoy receiving it) So please, gimme all you got!

Enjoy && Happy Writing!

Nikki

Basic Human Needs

I just need to know that you appreciate these efforts I’m making
I need to know that I matter.

because I can’t say it anywhere else…

I have a lot to blog about and hopefully I will get to posting soon but I want to write this down and I can’t post it anywhere else….

It was the DAY of my wedding, and I am watching the older more calm and collected version of me carry out all of the necessary parts of the day. I drive by the reception and look around and it is beautiful and amazing, the floral rrangments are like none I’ve ever seen (I”ve been/ worked a lot of weddings)
I am driving around place to place- getting everyone ready. I am  calm and steady as if the wedding is days away.
Trey is no where around and although family is in this dream, the groom has no face, he has no particular build. He is “anonymous.“
I don’t witness the ceremony but I see the joyful departure from the church to the reception site.

It was a GORGEOUS wedding, one that looked well coordinated and executed. That is the end of the dream, there is no more. Parts of this dream take place in Texas and then the scenery changes to that of Alaska?

The questions remain in my mind…. why do I witness the older version of me get married and why was the groom anonymous?

For each new morning with its light,
For rest and shelter of the night,
For health and food, for love and friends,
For everything Thy goodness sends.

~Ralph Waldo Emerson

 

 

The Music Died

This playlist is a collection of some of my FAVORITE Songs that I can no longer listen to anymore Its the playlist I used to turn on at work when my day started going wrong and so now even when my day isn’t bad but I just need music, I can’t turn on this playlist because it makes me sick, it reminds me of those bad days at work. IT SUCKS!!!!

I had to tell someone!

so we were just lying in bed enjoying each other on a lazy Sunday afternoon and out of nowhere* he says (very nonchalant) “Lets Make A Baby…”
My only reaction was to sigh and hold him tighter but just as the moment was passing he blurted out “We can name him ‘Cinco’”

LMAO- so he was joking but I still got butterflies!

I am definitely marrying this man!

Pay it Forward

I had an amazing day yesterday:

Having gotten our first snow fall on Sunday night, I expected the drive to work to be a little adventure and wasn’t let down; I collided with a truck going through an intersection halfway through my route.
We pull over and I immediately start checking my vehicle and grabbing my info while she converses with a so-called eye witness who wants to leave his info in case we file a police report. After a minute or so, I finally go over and try to talk to the driver who’s a little in shock explaining to me that she’s never been in an accident and doesn’t know what to do. I, being the over-experienced one, inform her that I need her driver’s license and insurance info. She then explains that she’s driving her mom’s car and doesn’t have insurance and as tears well up, says she’s going through a divorce. Suddenly, déjà vu hits me; I’ve been here before, only, the roles are reversed….
I tell her we don’t need to call the cops; there’s very little damage to either vehicle and we were both going under 20 so I’ll just report a claim to my insurance company. She calms down, we agree and exchange contact info before going our separate ways.
Sometime during the day, a front desk associate approaches me questioning where she should put the magazines that were delivered this morning; after discussing the issue with our GM, we decide to discard the magazines- in which case, I decide I’ll take them down to the recycling center that evening.
The day carries on and although it has been long and a little exhausting , I decide to run some errands after work. I drove around and got a couple bills paid but due to traffic and the somewhat-icy roads, I almost decided to leave the magazines in the car until my lunch break the next day….

Luckily, something told me not to!

Upon arriving at the recycling center, a man walks past my car who looks oddly familiar; it took me a second but as he passes again, I say “aren’t you the guy from the accident this morning?” He looks puzzled for a moment but then says “yeah! Did everything go okay? The other girl called and thanked me for being there and told me you didn’t even involve the cops.” I (suddenly feeling rude for not calling) tell him everything was okay and we sort-of made small talk before he tells me

“You know, I stopped because my girlfriend and I were in an accident in 2006, a hit-and-run actually in which she sustained serious injury and although there were two eye-witnesses, no one stopped to help us. It took almost two years but they finally caught the guy, we have court coming up next month.”

A wave of emotion hits me- I’m suddenly so grateful for what he did- he had a problem and no one helped him but he found it in his heart to stop for a moment and help a couple of strangers out.
He gave me hope and made me really think about everything.

Fate took me to the recycle center last night where I met an angel- someone who paid if forward (& recycles too!)

 

PAY IT FORWARD FOUNDATION

Act II

Last week my sister was in town and we were not happy with each other so I was out almost every night getting drunk and lusting for him and I ended up making a few booty-calls.
One thing led to another and on Halloween, when my night “ended” he asked me to meet him at his friend’s house to drive him home. So I meet him and there’s this guy- the bro-in-law of F’s best friend- and although he was with someone, he asked for my number; I was immediately like ‘No, aren’t you with someone?’ and he explained that she was an ‘ex’ that just hangs out a lot; I wasn’t buying it, I shook my head and walked away.
Fred overheard the convo and began an argument about it on the way home- I reminded him that I didn’t give the guy my number nor had I been flirting at all. The convo got steamy and I popped off with ‘You’re not mine and I’m not yours, so whats the problem?’ which steered the convo in another direction -a good direction.
We talked about us- the truth, the way we felt, everything. It was good and healthy. He said things I never thought he could, laid it all out on the table and I finally believed him when pulled me close and whispered ‘I Love You.’
We argued up until I dropped him off at his car the next day (2pm) and despite everything, I told him the last week was a mistake and I had no intention of coming back over- He didn’t say anything, just gave me a kiss goodbye and left.
I knew better than to expect him to stop me from walking away again but, I set myself up anyway.
Even though I believed him, I didn’t feel like he wanted it- there still had not been enough time spent apart and so I just let it be….
That is until he texted me-

“I know your love for me has changed but I’d still like another chance.”

that was all it needed to say… He invited us over for dinner that night and its been AMAZING ever since ♥.
He calls more than he ever did before and drops by on his breaks from work. He LOVES me like I always wanted to be and I know its only been a few days and this is still the honeymoon phase but, really, nothing could ever change the way I feel- He makes me SO HAPPY. On more than one occasion, in the last 2 days I’ve been caught dancing while I wait on the copier or smiling more than I have in a month.

Its so much simpler now- now that we know what to expect from each other and how to handle the problems that might arise.
Its just how it should be!

in a nutshell

I’m working 4 different positions at work (all in one 8 hour workday) so I am BUSY and VERY STRESSED

I had to pull Trey from his preschool because I owe her a lot of money (although she is the cheapest in town, I can’t afford her) so he is at home with my little brother being neglected and not socializing or Learning Anything

I just got cut from WIC and although I have applied for other assistance, I don’t think I qualify.

I went to get my oil changed this weekend and discovered that I have $4000 worth of repairs needed ASAP (including a tire that could blow any day)

I am behind on car payments (to Fred’s grandpa) to begin with and have no way of covering the repairs in the near future.

The credit card bills keep piling up- I can’t even manage to get them under the limit and I am behind because I keep getting fucked over by my siblings.

which brings me to the fact that I live in a tiny 2 bedroom with my sloppy little brothers and its very cramped and dirty (I hate it- Trey and I sleep together which may create a problem in the future…?)

I deal with all this daily while also trying to heal my broken heart and my sister has the audacity to come up here and in less than 2 days tell me I’m a HORRIBLE mother and just all around pathetic person….

Such is life but like they say, things could always get worse.

Still

He’s trying

‘I STILL LOVE YOU JENNIFER!’

I think that counts for something…

Things I can’t say…

Yes, he broke my heart but the truth is that he gave me something no one else ever could… a feeling down deep inside and since the break up, that feeling is gone. I feel so…. so…… empty; its the worst feeling in the world!

I’ve tried to let him go and accept the fact that we’re not right for each other but I don’t know; a day goes by and being ‘alone’ begins to seem possible but then he calls or texts and I’m suddenly wrapped around his little finger again.
I know, I mean, I hope for the possibility that someone out there wants to LOVE me like I want to be Loved but the truth is….

I don’t feel as if I deserve it….

Battlefield

Me: For you there will be others- you’ll tell them you love ‘em and they’ll believe you and you’ll be Happy but for me, in my heart, there’s no room for anyone else. It was all yours and you shattered it into a billion pieces; it could never love another. I don’t even want anyone to touch me ever again, I could never give anyone what I gave you Fred.

Him: I know no one will ever love me like you did…

Me: Well if that isn’t enough for you love me too and Be Happy with me then what does it matter? You’re so much better off now

Him: Oh life’s been PEACHY- the last 3 weeks have been a NIGHTMARE!

Me: When you Fall in Love and you think it’s real and you start imagining the kinda future you’re gonna have with someone and then one day you wake up and its all gone and you see it was never real, THATS A NIGHTMARE, Your misery has nothing to do with a broken heart.

Him: Yeah, you’re the only one hurting; the only one who lost anything. You Still Don’t Get Me!

Me: I always questioned whether or not you loved me but the minute you stopped, I Just Knew…..

What more can be said? Just let me let go!!

The Way I Loved You

I miss screamin’ and fightin’ and kissin’ in the rain
and its 2am and I’m cursin’ your name.
You’re so in love that you act insane
and that’s the way I loved you.
breakin’ down and comin’undone
it’s a roller coaster kinda rush.
& I never knew I could feel that much.
and that’s the way I loved you.

What Exes Do

…the room suddenly spinning
She walks up and asks how you are
So you can smell her perfume
You can see her lying naked in your arms…

He came over late Saturday/early Sunday and I tried not to let him in but I was distracted by a box sitting on my door step behind him in which I ended up asking him to carry in.
Once he was in, I tried to keep my distance but he came closer and closer and at first, he just held me. Before I knew it, I was holding him back and it felt so good. I just stood there taking it all in- his scent, the warmth of his embrace; I’ve never felt more at peace than when I’m in his arms and for a moment All The World Was Right.
I gave in and let him stay and one thing led to another and it became the Best One Night Stand Ever. He loved me with so much passion and vulnerability and although I am ashamed of myself for letting him use and manipulate me, it just felt right. I can’t remember a time when he was so tender, we even spooned as he fell asleep in my “hot” apartment.
The minute he walked out the door I hated myself. I was so disgusted and I hope it won’t happen again but I don’t regret it one bit.

HOPE (A message for the masses)

This Game of Love

You see I fall for his little scheme everytime.
I felt relieved when he said we just needed time & so I began to let go and ignored him but 3 days later he called and even though I didn’t answer, I loved hearing his message and began waiting by the phone for him to call again.
Another 3 days came and went, as did our anniversary, and nothing so I gave up again & decided t once again attempt to move on. To accept that he didn’t want me, I tried to just live and make myself happy but then he showed up at my door step and the next thing you know I am, once again, waiting by the phone….

I cannot let this continue – He calls and he builds me up and makes me think he’s coming around but HE’S NOT! He doesn’t care… NOTHING EVER CHANGES but there I am waiting by the phone day after day for a sign. A message- only to be dropped again and smacked in the face by the reality of the situation.
I hate this- I hate this game called love!

True love.

Every time I read stuff on Tumblr or hear songs that makes me remember him or even how I felt, I can feel tears starting to form but then I say to myself, “Stop it. Just stop. You told yourself the last time you cried because of him will be the last time you ever will.” And I stop. I have to let my suffering end. I want to and I can. At the same time that I don’t want to and say I can’t. But I have to. Because I can choose to end all this. I can choose to move on. Why is it so hard? Why am I making this so hard? It can be easy if I want to. It makes me sad that we don’t talk- that I lost my best friend. I don’t know if he still cares. No matter how busy I get, at random times I just remember him. He’s just that person who will always be special. I wish I could let go & just completely step out of the past and live in the now; he’s already happy and I know that, its so obvious. If only my heart would say “Okay, I’m ready to move on! I’m ready to be happy…”

Oh, I hate this so much.

I hate this so much. This is not good. I should be completely happy.

I miss you too

The other night Trey woke up crying and when I asked what was wrong, he replied ‘I miss Fred.’ I told Fred this via text message (the only one I’ve sent in a while) and he replied ‘We (him & the dog) miss you guys too’

…then he unexpectedly showed up at my door last night bearing gifts for Trey & I (small but not insignificant) and I didn’t know how to react- I instantly froze- and trying to think back I was probably really rude but all I could think of was how I wanted to touch him, kiss him, anything just to be closer than we were.
My brothers & I were sitting around chatting before he showed up – Fred acted weird in front of them- as if he wanted to say something but couldn’t because of everyone else in the room…

I called to tell him I was thinking of him while I enjoyed his treat this afternoon- Go figure though! They served the lemon-berry tart for lunch that he & I used to share when ordering from one of our fave little restaurants in town.

I don’t know the real reason he showed up at my door last night but it gave me hope and right now- I don’t think I can handle it. I don’t need him to tell me that time is all we need because time has a way of pushing people apart rather than bringing them back together. </3
I miss him, I really do- but I don’t know what to do or what to think right now…

Faith Hill – I Can’t Do That Anymore

I keep on giving
But I can’t stop living
A woman needs a little something of her own
I like happy endings
I don’t like depending
I keep right on pretending
But I can’t do that anymore

I’m moving on

“leaving is not enough; you must
stay gone. train your heart
like a dog. change the locks
even on the house he’s never
visited. you lucky, lucky girl.
you have an apartment
just your size. a bathtub
full of tea. a heart the size
of Arizona, but not nearly
so arid. don’t wish away
your cracked past, your
crooked toes, your problems
are papier mache puppets
you made or bought because the vendor
at the market was so compelling you just
had to have them. you had to have him.
and you did. and now you pull down
the bridge between your houses,
you make him call before
he visits, you take a lover
for granted, you take
a lover who looks at you
like maybe you are magic. make
the first bottle you consume
in this place a relic. place it
on whatever altar you fashion
with a knife and five cranberries.
don’t lose too much weight.
stupid girls are always trying
to disappear as revenge. and you
are not stupid. you loved a man
with more hands than a parade
of beggars, and here you stand. heart
like a four-poster bed. heart like a canvas.
heart leaking something so strong
they can smell it in the street.”

— marty mcconnell

Need You Now

&& I wonder if I ever cross your mind.

*No, I’m not calling or texting him I just LOVE this song