For each new morning with its light,
For rest and shelter of the night,
For health and food, for love and friends,
For everything Thy goodness sends.

~Ralph Waldo Emerson

This playlist is a collection of some of my FAVORITE Songs that I can no longer listen to anymore Its the playlist I used to turn on at work when my day started going wrong and so now even when my day isn’t bad but I just need music, I can’t turn on this playlist because it makes me sick, it reminds me of those bad days at work. IT SUCKS!!!!

I had an amazing day yesterday:

Having gotten our first snow fall on Sunday night, I expected the drive to work to be a little adventure and wasn’t let down; I collided with a truck going through an intersection halfway through my route.
We pull over and I immediately start checking my vehicle and grabbing my info while she converses with a so-called eye witness who wants to leave his info in case we file a police report. After a minute or so, I finally go over and try to talk to the driver who’s a little in shock explaining to me that she’s never been in an accident and doesn’t know what to do. I, being the over-experienced one, inform her that I need her driver’s license and insurance info. She then explains that she’s driving her mom’s car and doesn’t have insurance and as tears well up, says she’s going through a divorce. Suddenly, déjà vu hits me; I’ve been here before, only, the roles are reversed….
I tell her we don’t need to call the cops; there’s very little damage to either vehicle and we were both going under 20 so I’ll just report a claim to my insurance company. She calms down, we agree and exchange contact info before going our separate ways.
Sometime during the day, a front desk associate approaches me questioning where she should put the magazines that were delivered this morning; after discussing the issue with our GM, we decide to discard the magazines- in which case, I decide I’ll take them down to the recycling center that evening.
The day carries on and although it has been long and a little exhausting , I decide to run some errands after work. I drove around and got a couple bills paid but due to traffic and the somewhat-icy roads, I almost decided to leave the magazines in the car until my lunch break the next day….

Luckily, something told me not to!

Upon arriving at the recycling center, a man walks past my car who looks oddly familiar; it took me a second but as he passes again, I say “aren’t you the guy from the accident this morning?” He looks puzzled for a moment but then says “yeah! Did everything go okay? The other girl called and thanked me for being there and told me you didn’t even involve the cops.” I (suddenly feeling rude for not calling) tell him everything was okay and we sort-of made small talk before he tells me

“You know, I stopped because my girlfriend and I were in an accident in 2006, a hit-and-run actually in which she sustained serious injury and although there were two eye-witnesses, no one stopped to help us. It took almost two years but they finally caught the guy, we have court coming up next month.”

A wave of emotion hits me- I’m suddenly so grateful for what he did- he had a problem and no one helped him but he found it in his heart to stop for a moment and help a couple of strangers out.
He gave me hope and made me really think about everything.

Fate took me to the recycle center last night where I met an angel- someone who paid if forward (& recycles too!)

PAY IT FORWARD FOUNDATION

I’m working 4 different positions at work (all in one 8 hour workday) so I am BUSY and VERY STRESSED

I had to pull Trey from his preschool because I owe her a lot of money (although she is the cheapest in town, I can’t afford her) so he is at home with my little brother being neglected and not socializing or Learning Anything

I just got cut from WIC and although I have applied for other assistance, I don’t think I qualify.

I went to get my oil changed this weekend and discovered that I have $4000 worth of repairs needed ASAP (including a tire that could blow any day)

I am behind on car payments (to Fred’s grandpa) to begin with and have no way of covering the repairs in the near future.

The credit card bills keep piling up- I can’t even manage to get them under the limit and I am behind because I keep getting fucked over by my siblings.

which brings me to the fact that I live in a tiny 2 bedroom with my sloppy little brothers and its very cramped and dirty (I hate it- Trey and I sleep together which may create a problem in the future…?)

I deal with all this daily while also trying to heal my broken heart and my sister has the audacity to come up here and in less than 2 days tell me I’m a HORRIBLE mother and just all around pathetic person….

Such is life but like they say, things could always get worse.

Yes, he broke my heart but the truth is that he gave me something no one else ever could… a feeling down deep inside and since the break up, that feeling is gone. I feel so…. so…… empty; its the worst feeling in the world!

I’ve tried to let him go and accept the fact that we’re not right for each other but I don’t know; a day goes by and being ‘alone’ begins to seem possible but then he calls or texts and I’m suddenly wrapped around his little finger again.
I know, I mean, I hope for the possibility that someone out there wants to LOVE me like I want to be Loved but the truth is….

I don’t feel as if I deserve it….

I miss screamin’ and fightin’ and kissin’ in the rain
and its 2am and I’m cursin’ your name.
You’re so in love that you act insane
and that’s the way I loved you.
breakin’ down and comin’undone
it’s a roller coaster kinda rush.
& I never knew I could feel that much.
and that’s the way I loved you.

…the room suddenly spinning
She walks up and asks how you are
So you can smell her perfume
You can see her lying naked in your arms…

He came over late Saturday/early Sunday and I tried not to let him in but I was distracted by a box sitting on my door step behind him in which I ended up asking him to carry in.
Once he was in, I tried to keep my distance but he came closer and closer and at first, he just held me. Before I knew it, I was holding him back and it felt so good. I just stood there taking it all in- his scent, the warmth of his embrace; I’ve never felt more at peace than when I’m in his arms and for a moment All The World Was Right.
I gave in and let him stay and one thing led to another and it became the Best One Night Stand Ever. He loved me with so much passion and vulnerability and although I am ashamed of myself for letting him use and manipulate me, it just felt right. I can’t remember a time when he was so tender, we even spooned as he fell asleep in my “hot” apartment.
The minute he walked out the door I hated myself. I was so disgusted and I hope it won’t happen again but I don’t regret it one bit.

You see I fall for his little scheme everytime.
I felt relieved when he said we just needed time & so I began to let go and ignored him but 3 days later he called and even though I didn’t answer, I loved hearing his message and began waiting by the phone for him to call again.
Another 3 days came and went, as did our anniversary, and nothing so I gave up again & decided t once again attempt to move on. To accept that he didn’t want me, I tried to just live and make myself happy but then he showed up at my door step and the next thing you know I am, once again, waiting by the phone….

I cannot let this continue – He calls and he builds me up and makes me think he’s coming around but HE’S NOT! He doesn’t care… NOTHING EVER CHANGES but there I am waiting by the phone day after day for a sign. A message- only to be dropped again and smacked in the face by the reality of the situation.
I hate this- I hate this game called love!

“leaving is not enough; you must
stay gone. train your heart
like a dog. change the locks
even on the house he’s never
visited. you lucky, lucky girl.
you have an apartment
just your size. a bathtub
full of tea. a heart the size
of Arizona, but not nearly
so arid. don’t wish away
your cracked past, your
crooked toes, your problems
are papier mache puppets
you made or bought because the vendor
at the market was so compelling you just
had to have them. you had to have him.
and you did. and now you pull down
the bridge between your houses,
you make him call before
he visits, you take a lover
for granted, you take
a lover who looks at you
like maybe you are magic. make
the first bottle you consume
in this place a relic. place it
on whatever altar you fashion
with a knife and five cranberries.
don’t lose too much weight.
stupid girls are always trying
to disappear as revenge. and you
are not stupid. you loved a man
with more hands than a parade
of beggars, and here you stand. heart
like a four-poster bed. heart like a canvas.
heart leaking something so strong
they can smell it in the street.”

&& I wonder if I ever cross your mind.

*No, I’m not calling or texting him I just LOVE this song